A LETTER TO MY EX:
Do you think of me? Do I cross your mind at all? Do you understand how much you hurt me? It has been two full months since we had that dreaded phone call and ended things.
Of all days, that phone call had to happen on Christmas Eve day. Christmas is about loving and giving. Instead, everything was tense and our future was unknown. For a couple of months, things had been hot and cold, between us. Call it a gut feeling but I knew that we were drifting apart. I could feel it and sense it in every phone call and each text you sent were farther apart. The more that I was trying to hang on, the more you were pushing me away.
When we met 17 yrs ago, I had no idea that I would fall in love with you. You stole my heart from the very beginning. We wanted to be near each other all the time. When we were apart, we still felt the other close by. We laughed and joked and could tell each other everything. We had a connection that nobody could explain, even you and I couldn’t describe it. All that we knew for sure was that the other was only a phone call away.
You say that you saw me first, but I remember seeing you and knowing that I HAD to meet you. When we were together, somehow we were able to shut everyone out – it was just the two of us. It didn’t last long, with your wandering eye and flirtatious nature, there was always someone else in the picture. For three years, we were on again and off again. We knew nothing about real relationships and how to make them work. It seemed easier to just walk away. And soon, we just stopped talking.
Shortly after I moved away, you were about to get married. Remember the phone call, asking me if you should marry her? Asking me to tell you not to marry her? And I couldn’t. I never wanted you to resent me or wonder years later if you made the wrong choice. I did tell you that I would always be there for you. Soon after, I got married and had my own two children and moved to Prince Edward Island, Canada.
Fast forward 17 years, never in my wildest dreams did I think we would ever reconnect. Who knew that Facebook would help us find each other and be able to keep in touch? I’m not sure who added who, but I do remember that I was quite happy to know that you remembered me. By this time, we were both single again.
You were still working on the oil rigs and on your days off you’d message me – sweet little nothings. Facebook messages led to you asking if you could call me. One phone call led to a few more and soon we were calling each other every night. It was midnight or later my time and we’d talk to early in the morning. We’d talk about the old days and catch up with where we were at in our current life. It felt so nice to reconnect with an old friend.
We were a country width apart, and it never crossed my mind, that it would go past a friendship. Suddenly, my life changed. I made the decision to move back home. I had ten days to sell everything I owned to move across country.
You met me at the airport when my plane landed. We talked into the early morning, we were both so tired but so excited to see each other after all these years. It didn’t take us long to feel like we always did – goofy, giddy and just all about having fun .
After seeing you at the airport, I still didn’t think about dating or where this relationship would lead us. Plus, we lived six hours apart from each other. Much of my time was focused on finding a job, saving money for my girls to fly to Alberta, Canada and adjusting to new surroundings. Meanwhile, you were recovering from a work accident. You had two major surgeries and still in rehabilitation mode.
Over this last year, we talked not once but several times a day. If we weren’t talking on the phone, we were constantly texting each other. We talked about how we couldn’t talk to anyone else like we did with each other. Or how we could make each other laugh. (You know that laughing, when you laugh so much that tears are coming down and our bellies ached?)Regardless, it always felt like you kept me at bay. You used humour to cover up how you were really feeling. On the rare occasion, you’d let your guard down and you’d let me see the real you. As quick as your wall went down, your wall went back up again.
When I first moved here, we both said that we weren’t ready for a relationship. We both agreed, we’d keep it as a friendship for now. Much to my surprise, last summer, I started falling for you again. Do you know why? It was because you started talking about how well we understood each other, how you couldn’t talk to anyone else, we made each other laugh and you even talked about wanting to move here. With you visiting as much as you could, how could a girl not fall in love with you?
By beginning of November, we’d go the weekend without talking, the texts you sent were getting fewer as well. At first, I didn’t say anything. I thought that if I did, I’d really push you away. I tried to be nonchalant, yet it was killing me inside. The weekend turned into a whole week without talking. When you’re used to talking to someone for several times a day (hours at a time), a week without talking was pure torture. Yet, I STILL didn’t say anything.
It was two days before Christmas before I brought it up. You called me at work and I was SO excited as it had been for awhile since we last talked . It was the way you ended the phone call that I knew something had changed. You said that you’d call me sometime. Sometime? Sometime when? Another week from now? A month? I knew instantly, that you were pushing me away.
I started crying on the phone call and I apologized and told you that I wasn’t sure why I was crying. You told me that it’s because I care for you. My reply “And You don’t care enough”. Phone got silent, and I realized that things wouldn’t be the same. What we had, whatever it was….was now over. The dreams I had of us living happily ever after were shattered in those few seconds. In that moment, I knew, that you didn’t feel the same about me.
On Christmas Eve day, you expressed how you wanted to remain friends. You told me that you weren’t ready for a relationship despite that you already thought about us being together. In all these months, you never told me how you felt. You didn’t give me the opportunity for us to work on this together. Instead, you made this decision about us on your own.
I said that I couldn’t stay in your life. I couldn’t be friends with someone, when I couldn’t be happy for him if he found someone else. I couldn’t be friends with someone when I knew I’d secretly wished that we were together.
In the beginning, I was SO mad at you. Feeling that you led me on. Anger turned into sadness and I was missing the friendship and the closeness that we had. We always talked about how we lost each other once and we didn’t want to lose our friendship a second time. And yet, it happened.
Two months later, I’m ready to move on. I deserve to be happy and so do you. For whatever reason, we were not meant to be together. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again some day. Until then, I wish you all the best and I hope that you find what you’re looking for.
Peace, love and happiness,
P.S. This letter was never sent to him but I thought it might help in my healing process.
Thanks you for reading my posts! If you like what you’ve read, don’t be shy…leave a comment below. If you really like it, click “follow” on the side of my blog to receive my blog via email, so you don’t miss a post. I know you wanna! 😉
or you can Follow my blog with Bloglovin